Issues of Letting Go
by GrimLegate
Summary: After a heavy argument on the subject of how Kamui deals with his guilt, the two goes their separate ways, Niles coming to terms with his abandonment issues.


Blood slowly dribbled between his fingers, gripping his side tightly as he tried to stem the flow, back pressed to the splintering boards behind him as he waved others to move ahead of him. He watched his two little sisters running back and forth, even Felicia and Jakob having joined the effort to heal everyone still had trouble keeping up with the steady flow of people into the healing tent. Kamui ground his teeth, grunting as he smothered a cough, not wanting to rip the gash in his side any further. He refused help until everyone else had been sought to, a sort of self-inflicted punishment on himself. Feeling as though if he had been a better tactician, that these injuries wouldn't be so plentiful.

He slipped further down the side of the building, bringing his hand away to stare at the blood that was slipping down his palms, filling the divots left by scars and the folds of his clenched fists. He watched the viscous liquid, eyes following each drop off his hand until a hand enclosed around his wrist, his gaze drawn up into angry grey eyes. He would have been excited to see his lover's face if it were any other situation, but the look on his face quickly chased away any feeling of happiness. Niles glared at the blood coating the man's hand before his eyes flitted to the slash in Kamui's side, letting out a growl. "Why haven't you gone to the healers?" He demanded, the Prince shaking his head.

"The others need treatment more than I do right now."

"Like hell! Your side is gaping open, and you think you're okay?!" The Trickster growled, reaching for the staff attached to his back. Kamui's eyes narrowed, and he snatched his hand away from him.

"Why haven't you been helping them in the tent? They need all the help they can get in there!"

"Because Elise saw you skulking off earlier and sent me after you! She knows you do this, and it's destructive! Now, come here and let me heal you, dammit."

"I already told you, no! There are other people who need to be attended to!" Kamui argued back, and Niles' remaining eye twitched. His jaw flexed as he clenched his teeth before sneering at the Prince, an expression that left Kamui feeling skittish.

" _Fine_ ," He hissed out, strapping the staff back into place. "You want to be such a stubborn brat about it? Then bleed out on the grass, see if I care!" He growled, turning around on his heel to stalk off, finding his temper running too hot, and though the damage was already done with what he had said, he didn't want to make it worse.

His lover took care of that however.

Kamui had hot tears in his eyes, partially from the pain in his side and the pain of Niles' flippant dismissal, unwilling to see things how he saw it, and he clenched his fists at his sides, the blood that hadn't managed to dry yet pooling down his knuckles. Both were so head-strong, this was usually how arguments went, most of them being resolved silently when one or the other would return, usually the Prince sitting beside him, hands in his lap as he tried to figure out how to approach the situation. At least, until Niles wrapped an arm around him and they muttered out apologies where they were needed.

But this hurt worst of all, when he refused to understand the burden that the other took on by leading their patchwork army, leading them into battle and berating himself for every soldier, every one of his _friends,_ who ended up hurt because of a mistake, a miscalculation, on his part. The comment of bleeding out dug the finally sharp knife further into his chest and he called to the man's back,

" _Fine!_ I don't need you anyway!" He yelled, tears trickling down his face and cutting through the dust that clung to his cheeks. He watched Niles' back as he flinched, not managing to see the hurt that cut clean through the features for a split second, Kamui having turned to hobble off in the direction of his treehouse. Niles watched him go, the Prince's words echoing as his head as he scowled darkly, trying to squash down the panic fluttering in his chest. He took no joy in Kamui's tears as he did with others, finding that they just pierced through his chest like a carefully aimed arrow. He wanted to go after the other man, pull him into his arms and heal him and try and talk about it—but he was not a talking sort, and his pride held him like a beast on a chain.

So, instead of to his lover, he stalked away, shoulders hunched with tension, the others being able to read the signs of an irritated archer, and steered clear of his path, lest they bring down his wrath upon them.

Niles had lost count of how many arrows he had ruined. Most of them were buried into the group of targets he had hauled together, what wasn't sticking out from the straw men was splintered at the base of them, the man having split many an arrow in his ferocity. His shoulders had begun to ache from the effort, grunting as he pulled the bow once more, only stopping after slipping and dragging the bowstring along his arm. He cursed, knowing the bruises that those strings would leave before heaving a great sigh.

"Ah! Niles!" The man flinched as he heard his obnoxious counterparts voice, turning to watch the blond Sorcerer saunter over, lips quirked in that smile that made him want to punch the other's teeth out, especially in his foul mood. The man looked to the targets, seemingly not able to take a hint. "Slaying the demons of the mind, are we? What a ferocious look!" He cried, placing a hand on his hip as he stood, Niles taking to ripping the arrows that were still usable out of the dummies and placing them back into his quiver. He ignored the other as he began to pick up the splinters, hoping the other would take the hint and leave.

But, he's Odin. That was about as likely as Anankos dropping from the sky where they stood and falling before Kamui's judgement.

The thought of the man brought a terse frown to his lips, trying to focus on not poking himself with a splinter. Odin shrugged, walking over to one of the dummies and leaning against it.

"Ferocious, indeed! Perhaps you should man the frontline! Lord Xander and yourself would terrify our opponents as surely as if Death was riding in on his hellish steed!" He mused, turning to look at the archer. "Or mayhap we should send Lady Camilla—her visage is as intimidating as her Wyvern's! Especially after seeing our Lord Kamui in tears!" Odin mused, and Niles froze in his cleaning, his blood turning to ice as he slowly turned to the other, meeting the mirthful eyes.

"Odin…"

"Yes, oh, partner of mine?"

"She knows, doesn't she?"

"…Mayhap."

Niles cursed, gathering up the rest of the splintered wood before turning to the Sorcerer, pointing a finger at him as his face grew dark.

"I was never here."

"Never where?" Odin asked, and Niles let a small smile play at his lips before taking off to the forest surrounding the Castle, figuring that would be the best place to hide out until the eldest sister's wrath had subsided and wasn't seeing red anymore.

After all, Niles quite liked all his blood on the inside of his body. Along with his organs.

The night had long since crossed the sky, the sun kissing the golden horizon good night before passing the duty of watching the world to the moon, when Leo found him and convinced him that Camilla was no longer tearing the Castle apart in her rage to find the man who hurt her 'precious Kamui.' His Lord led the way back, and Niles was at least thankful for them quelling her sure to be murderous reaction to him, as well as not having to listen to his lord lecture him about what he did. Apparently, if only for now, Leo was willing to live and let live, knowing that this was their issue, and he didn't need to fight his older brother's battles for him.

When they parted at the entrance to the camp, Niles fell along the familiar path, stopping just short of his destination when he realized exactly where he was heading.

 _The Treehouse._

Niles looked up at the place he had slowly begun to call his home, where each night he would allow Kamui to wrap himself around him, despite how the closeness, the intimacy felt like it drug him backwards through a bushel of thorns. He wore his armor to bed, something that Kamui had fought him about but relented, understanding that years on the run left you doing strange things to preserve your life. And he lamented in it all, each morning watching the man awaken rested and well, brushing the lightest of kisses against his forehead in a silent greeting, a half-and-half chance of the other pulling away from the warmth, or sticking around to cuddle.

It drove him crazy, each hidden weapon on his person and his armor digging into him while Kamui clung, and he wondered if the other was doing it on purpose, but after so long of doing so, he could not imagine Kamui doing such a cruel thing. And he looked too peaceful to disturb, so he left him be.

He looked up to the open window, finding the candle light flinging its golden light across the ceiling before disappearing into black, and Niles flinched as Kamui came to the window, a similar reaction spreading across the Prince as he saw the man, eyes averting as he shut the panes with a little more force than was strictly necessary. Niles winced, grinding his teeth as he looked to the ground.

 _Right… I need a place to sleep._

He grumbled to himself, narrowing his eyes at the cobblestone path before turning towards the barracks, knowing it was either that or a tree somewhere, and he wasn't too fond of waking with bird shit stuck to some part of him.

He entered silently and quickly, picking a cot close to an exit for a quick escape and pulled off his bow and quiver, setting them aside, but within arm's reach. It felt unnatural, as he sank into the cot. He had become accustomed to the pliant squish of Kamui's bed, the amount of space the two had, and how warm it remained in the room, thanks to one particularly vigilant butler—another person who he would have to remain wary of if he didn't wish to lose anything precious to him.

He groaned internally as he thought of the fact he missed the Prince, despite the discomfort he experienced when they slept together. He turned onto his side, huffing sharply to decompress after the day. His sleep was fitful at best, waking up to try and find his missing ex-lover before sinking back into the cot, reminding himself of his current situation, and making him reflect on the fact that he truly did miss what he had.

 _He was staring up, nearly blinded by the sun that bounced off the bleached locks, blood speckled in the strands. Pain was wracking his body, and he looked down to see the blurred mess of blood and… Other things, split from hip to hip. His mind screamed for him to reach out to Kamui, his mind urging, knowing, that the man could save him somehow. But, all he did was stare, a blank face filled with nothing but porcelain skin, the crimson eyes blurred in a messy tangle as he lost consciousness. Then came the retreat, the man crying out in nothing more than a tiny whisper, trying to call the man back to him._

Don't just leave me here! Help me!

 _He pleaded, but nothing would escape his lips, but the man turned around, looking at Niles, a feral, sinister grin spreading over his features._

"I don't need you."

 _Kamui said, the lips barely moving in a whisper, but the words echoed in his mind, and he cried out as he was left alone once more, body tipping into a never-ending spiral down towards unconsciousness._

Niles gasped as he started awake, looking down at his stomach, pressing and prodding for the phantom wound and breathing out a deep sigh when he found none. Hot tears had begun to sting his eyes, and he rubbed them away, staring tiredly out the window. The moon was still high in the sky, and he pulled his cloak tight around him, flipping onto his other side.

He had _abandoned_ him. He had felt the rising panic in his throat as the man was leaving, leaving like everything else had in his life, and the feeling of helplessness left him choking on his own breath. He remembered the grin, the sharp fangs peeking at the corners when the lips closed, and he squeezed his eyes shut. Sleep never came, and after nearly an hour of tossing in his cot, he drug himself up, forcing himself awake and out of the barracks, bow and quiver strapped to his back.

Some of the others were up and about patrolling, but most had been slumbering like he, and with the most recent of the nightmares that had plagued his sleep, he resolved to apologize to Kamui, his pride having been eaten away by his fears. He plodded to the Treehouse, knowing he had to do it now, lest he chicken out later in the day. He thought of how to approach the situation, how to word his apology, knowing he had to apologize for his cruel words towards the man he loved.

He ascended the ladder with the speed of a man climbing to his gallows, lingering far too long at the door, debating if he should come back later or not, but the decision was taken out of his hands as the door opened abruptly, leaving a dark-eyed and disheveled Kamui in front of him.

The Princeling looked up at him, and all his careful planning went right out the window, both staring for a long moment until Kamui broke the reverie, coughing softly. "Is… Is everything alright? I heard you come up but you never knocked." He asked, and Niles looked at him, pausing before nodding his head.

"Yeah, everything's okay, just… Can we… Can we talk?" He asked quietly, and Kamui looked conflicted for a moment, but he knew sleep was far gone now, having gotten little more sleep than the man in front of him. He nodded, stepping back from the door as he allowed the other in. Niles stood awkwardly, wanting to move to the bed, but he knew that such a luxury was probably not for him anymore. At least, not until Kamui sat on the bed and motioned the thief over.

Niles crossed the room, sitting a respectable distance away, staring at his lap for a long moment. He could feel Kamui's eyes on him, and he almost got up and left, finding this all to be too much for him, always having had an issue with apologies. But he knew this needed to be fixed, so he lifted his head, meeting the Prince's eyes.

"Kamui… I'm sorry for the awful things I said." He said bluntly, and Kamui stared at him for a long moment, face impassive before the façade broke, and tears began to bloom in his eyes.

"I-I-I thought you ha-ated m-me." He sobbed, and Niles sighed, eyes going soft as he moved his arm, Kamui racing to the spot that it opened at the man's side. "I-I'm so-orry for be-ing so st-ubborn." He hiccupped, and Niles let his fingers trace along the man's back.

"Shush, it's alright… I don't hate you." He murmured, splaying his fingers over the thin fabric he wore to bed. "What I said was overly cruel, and I overstepped my bounds, Milord." He told him, bringing his other hand to wipe away the stray tears. "Come on, you know I only like your tears when we're in bed proper." He said, hoping to lighten the mood with a joke, thankful that it worked, watching Kamui smother down the tears in favor of flushing.

"Y-You're awful…"

"But you picked me."

"I know." Kamui replied, letting a shaky smile cross his face. "I got a good lecture from the others about what I was doing… So, no more."

"Good," Niles said, tugging the man close, letting his head lightly drop against the other's. "If you kept it up I was going to see to you personally, then give you some real punishment." He teased, causing a small laugh to bubble up, a noise that caught the archers heart in his chest.

"Oh nooo~! Nothing but that!" He cried, and Niles smirked, reaching up and pinching his nose.

"You're such a brat, you know that?" He mocked, and Kamui giggled, the noise ending smothered by a yawn. The Prince took that moment to look at Niles, frowning as he saw the circles darker than usual under his eyes.

"Poor sleep?" He asked, and Niles nodded.

"I don't know how I've come to miss being tangled up with you, but it seems like it has come to pass." He bemoaned dramatically, even pressing a hand to his forehead, leaving Kamui to roll his eyes. He gripped Niles' sleeve, trying to drag him to bed, but paused.

"Niles? Why don't you take off your armor?" The thief frowned, about to repeat his previous spiel about it, before a pointed look silenced him. "You might sleep better without it. Please? Just one night? We're safer here than anywhere else." He promised, and Niles frowned, trying to stay strong against his lover's pleading gaze before sighing, standing and pulling all his little weapons out of wherever he could store them, surprising Kamui at the amount, pulling off his armor as well, placing it all beside the bed. He looked at the man, Kamui giggling as he looked at the stiff man, reaching for his hand and pulling him in to bed.

Before Niles could settle, Kamui snatched up his eyepatch, as he often did, pressing it onto the end table. The man tried to protest, but Kamui placed a soft hand to his face, leaning and kissing the scarred skin.

"I love you." He said bluntly, and the heavy blush across his face was not missed by the thief, Niles taking endless joy in the other's embarrassment, leaning forward and claiming the Prince's lips.

"And I you." He whispered back, allowing Kamui to shuffle into his chest, feeling the arm settle over his side, and found surprise when the hidden blades no longer dug into his sides. The man's warmth settled at his front, and the weight of the arm felt nice, Niles moving to throw an arm around Kamui as well, feeling their legs tangle together, and for the first time, he felt truly comfortable laying with the man he loved.

His eye drifted shut, and he breathed in sync with the man, finding sleep claimed him easily, gripping him in arms enfolding, not too unlike the lovers themselves.

* * *

Niles is probably one of my favorite characters in Fates, and his issues with abandonment makes him an interesting character to try and understand and write. I write by request over on my tumblr: grimlegate. tumblr. com


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